oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
