everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just invented taco cereal.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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