Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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