Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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