you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
