I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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