Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
