"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
