the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
