I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
im six kinds of drunk right now
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
