I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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