I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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