Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
