The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
