His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
