I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I puked a lego.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
