Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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