even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
