I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Two words: blizzard sex
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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