Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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