Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
