you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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