you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
