The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
