I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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