Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
