How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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