Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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