Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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