Jerry, you need to find god
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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