Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
