roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
