I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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