I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
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