im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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