im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
she told me i tasted like america
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
