Will you blow on my dice?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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