So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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