there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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