haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
