I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he was CRYING into my vagina
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
