Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
