I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
