so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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