I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
