theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You are a genius and a whore.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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