Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
