im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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