If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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