I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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