i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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