She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
this just has baby written all over it
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
