Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
