my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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