Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
