So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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