If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize