So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
