I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
And then he peed in my hair
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