I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
