i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
